Sex and Relationships: Notes to Students Who Have Gone “Too Far”

May 15, 2013 — 4 Comments

I posted that I was speaking a part of a workshop we are doing for all of our life groups about sex and relationships. My section was how to recover all relationships, including with God, and how to seek to go down the God’s way of the pursuit of relationships and reconciliation.

Here is a part of it:

What you did in the past makes you who you are today but does not define your future.

This is something I always try to remember when it comes to my past relationships. I want to give you a few things that I have leaned hard onto when it comes to the place when we know we have messed up in sex and relationships but I know now that I am forgiven by God, he made me new creation, and I can now be with my wife, without any guilt lingering behind me, for the rest of my life.

Seek after God and Pray for Self-Control

Titus 2:11-14

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

The only reason why I was able to turn this around was because I know I wanted to glorify Jesus in my relationship. And because I knew what I wanted to do, I needed to have self-control in order to not fall into what I used to do. So I prayed, a lot. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, which is something as believers God helps us with as we follow him.

Self-control naturally leads to perseverance (2 Peter 1:6) as we value the long-term good instead of the instant gratification of the world. Self-control is a gift that frees us. It frees us to enjoy the benefits of a healthy body. It frees us to rest in the security of good stewardship. It frees us from a guilty conscience. Self-control restricts the indulgence of our foolish desires, and we find the liberty to love and live as we were meant to.

A big help on the self-control in the relationship is finding someone who wants the same thing as you. I really do believe that is the reason Kristin and I were able to wait to have sex and do things the way it was supposed to go is because we both wanted to glorify Jesus. Were there times in which I wanted to do more. Heck yes! But because we both prayed for self-control and were able to keep it up through the whole relationship.

Let me tell you this, on both parts, guys and girls, if you have your standards and lines, and the person you are dating does not, 99% of the time you will sacrifice your boundaries and go with them. It’s way easier to pull someone down than it is to pull someone up.

Get people around you who you can be real with.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

For me, my downward spiral in the relationship department was cut in half the moment I joined a small group. A group of guys who I confided in, who were there for me every time I messed up. A group of guys who called me out on how stupid I was. And most importantly a group of guys who did not judge me because I messed up but instead lifted me up in prayer.

I’m telling you right now, if you are not being real in your small group, and you are holding things back, and the secrets inside are eating you from the inside out, you are missing out in a huge way. You would be surprised how much your small group leader cares for you. How much your group will come around you and be there for you. You do not have to hold it in any longer because that is a safe place for you to talk and confess. I do not know where I would be if it was not for my small group.

We can let go because God has a hold.

We sin. We mess up. We are to bring it to God. We bring it to him because the Bible says he forgives us because he is faithful and purify us from all of our sin.

1 John 1:9-10

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

I have heard about a born again Christian, can we be a born again virgin? A student asked me this one time. It got me thinking. But it’s not, no where in the Bible does it say this.

Believing wholeheartedly in God’s total forgiveness and making the choice to live righteously and in ways that are pleasing to Him—that is biblical.

You may not physically be a virgin anymore, but when we confess and ask for forgiveness from God, because of his amazing grace, we are then spiritually pure in the eyes of God. Holding onto this thought will ease so much guilt and shame and any guilt and shame you feel after you have done this is not from God from the enemy who does nothing but only want to bring you down with him. Remember you God forgives ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS when we come to Him making us pure because of what Jesus did on the cross.


4 responses to Sex and Relationships: Notes to Students Who Have Gone “Too Far”


    Good words Justin. I appreciate your honesty and your openness. I’ll definitely use this as a resource when talking with students!


    Great Stuff Justin. Thank you. This will be of a great deal of help to the children and youth at Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem

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